Dancing to Hole’s album with the sea coming to our feet, I became friends with my sister again. With the night stars pinning the sky up above us, we danced off the sharp tequila that had shaken us. We shared headphones and one cassette tape in a cheap walkman. We were still kids then, sort of. We were old enough to drink tequila, but young enough that we didn’t have anyone counting on us. It makes you selfish, being young. It makes you be inside yourself as the centre of your world. It makes looking back from an older age have this filter of wonder, of the strangeness of yourself, of your younger self.
My big sister’s been a totem, an immovable object, substantial, magisterial, in my life. My big sister was the one who won at games. She has a fixed attention that she can give to things. My mind wanders around. I wanted to win at games, but you know. There is so much to think about.
My big sister was the one who would fist fight with me, making me so angry I had to leave home, but only for an afternoon. I just wanted to calm down. And it is still quite nice to walk alone without a destination in mind, and to sit on brick walls and to think about how there are different types of green in each leaf on each branch, or notice that there is another shopping trolley in the canal.
My big sister was the ferocious one of the two of us, although my little sister can give good brawl as well.
My big sister stuck up for me. I think she was like She Hulk, I mean, strong and sexy and clever.
I used to tell her stories when we shared bunkbeds.
When she went away to university I was happy. I thought I’d finally get some breathing space. No-one was going to hit me for being annoying anymore. When I went to visit her I got so drunk I fell backwards on a bridge over the Ouse. I got so drunk I tried to sleep in her garden while it was being used as a toilet by party goers. I held my head out of taxi windows and felt cold air in my face. I was still the little one, green gilled and knock kneed.
She gets to go first. She tries things out for me and my little sister. She’s good at everything. She is the light that we turn towards like sunflowers when she crosses a room. She’s a cartographer, mapping out being a grown up so that I can see where there be dragons, and where there’s solid land. I wonder if it’s lonely out there, surging forward over uncharted waves. I stand back from my telescope on the moon to rub my hands across my eyes before refocusing on her.
She’s still standing at the helm of a ship, a sword strapped across her chest her children in the riggings and a flaming torch in her hand, baying at the darkness.
A friend on facebook, one Tunde Oyelakun, shared this and I think it’s also indictive of love/responsibility
“A cruise ship met with an
accident at sea. On the ship was
a couple who, after having
made their way to the lifeboat,
they realized that there was only
space for one person left.
At this moment, the man pushed
the woman behind him and
jumped onto the lifeboat
himself.
The lady stood on the sinking
ship and shouted one sentence
to her husband.
The teacher stopped and asked,
“What do you think she
shouted?”
Most of the students excitedly
answered, “I hate you! I was
blind!”
Now, the teacher noticed a boy
who was silent throughout, she
got him to answer and he
replied, “Teacher, I believe she
would have shouted – Take care
of our child!”
The teacher was surprised,
asking “Have you heard this
story before?”
The boy shook his head, “Nope,
but that was what my mum told
my dad before she died to
disease”.
The teacher lamented, “The
answer is right”.
The cruise sunk, the man went
home and brought up their
daughter single-handedly .
Many years later after the death
of the man, their daughter
found his diary while tidying his
belongings.
It turns out that when parents
went onto the cruise ship, the
mother was already diagnosed
with a terminal illness. At the
critical moment, the father
rushed to the only chance of
survival.
He wrote in his diary, “How I
wished to sink to the bottom of
the ocean with you, but for the
sake of our daughter, I can only
let you lie forever below the sea
alone”.
The story is finished, the class
was silent.
The teacher knows that the
student has understood the
moral of the story, that of the
good and the evil in the world,
there are many complications
behind them which are hard to
understand.
Which is why we should never
only focus on the surface and
judge others without
understanding them first.
Those who like to pay the bill,
do so not because they are
loaded but because they value
friendship above money.
Those who take the initiative at
work, do so not because they
are stupid but because they
understand the concept of
responsibility.
Those who apologize first after
a fight, do so not because they
are wrong but because they
value the people around them.
Those who are willing to help
you, do so not because they
owe you any thing but because
they see you as a true friend.
Those who often text you, do so
not because they have nothing
better to do but because you
are in their heart.
One day, all of us will get
separated from each other; we
will miss our conversations of
everything & nothing; the
dreams that we had. Days will
pass by, months, years, until this
contact becomes rare… One day
our children will see our
pictures and ask ‘Who are these
people?’ And we will smile with
invisible tears because a heart is
touched with a strong word. . .”