Present and tense

Sometimes I think that I do these things deliberately – crash trains, bring down ‘planes, destroy homes, drown cities – just to see how it feels. Weaving in a stone house on the edge of the moors. Alone as storms beat their own stories into the walls. I think of my sisters and my long life and I wonder how much of what has happened in your life you would say was my fault.

Do I wield the scissors? Yes. Do I make you look this way and that and then, for some reason unknown to the people who survive you, do I make you step out into the motorway? Out into the path of the person who will break your heart? Into the path of the person with whom you will have children? Yes. I do that. I pick and twist. I shed and cut. I look at the Work and know what has to come next.

I know what happens to you next. Can blame be laid on me as a weaver following a pattern? Even if that pattern does not exist before my fingers twist it into being? Do I decide? If I do then, well, what does that mean anyway? You make decisions constantly but your choices still obey my weaving. All that time spent making up your mind and where does it lead you but along my warp and through my weft?

You feel so deeply, so intensely, bringing bright colours to my Work. Manifest emotion is a colour palette of incredible subtlety. I used to feel it along with you, you know. I felt your harrowing grief deep in my marrow. I felt that jubilant chorus singing in my heart, lifting my ribs out and wide with the fluttering wings of no longer being alone in the world. At one time I tried to weave only joy. The Work grew brighter, a nuclear emanation of one emotion. At first I was satisfied, but the blinding incandescence soon became overwhelming. My irradiated hands shook. My vision blurred. I began dropping stitches, losing threads. The Work began to unravel in places, allowing complexity to whisper its way back in. Conflicting emotions soaked in gradients through the threads as though I’d planned it that way. As if it weren’t you and your very vividity orchestrating my fumbling and mistakes.

Where do you think that glowing part of the Work has gone now? All the mounds and folds cannot be contained within my little house. The Work pushes itself along the floor, up and down the stairs, around doors, into corners, out of windows. When it reaches the outside it ages into new shades, sometimes the pattern becomes unrecognisable. I know that it isn’t the weather that effects this change. My Work is reconfigured by the way you remember what has gone before. And that’s always changing.

So before you blame me for those things that you wish hadn’t happened to you, perhaps you should take some of the responsibility. You are the thread, you make the colours, the pattern, the memory of the pattern. I’m a slave compared to you. The power is yours, even when I cut threads short or twist them a certain way. And you still ask, “How could this happen to me? Why?” And then I send the shuttle back across the loom, welcoming the new colours to the Work of all that’s ever happened to you and all that ever will.

Map of internet traffic, November 23, 2003 created by the Opte project

Wait by the river

By the time that the river finally spoke to me I’d almost given it up as mute. I’d spent weekends and evenings squatting in the muddy riverbank. Getting my trainers dirty. Pulling up spokes of grass and sticky weed leaves that turned my fingernails green and yellow. I would sometimes chat with thrumming insects, or pass the time companionably with shrill local birds. The birds harvested my insect companions.  Maybe the insects were ignorant of the dangers of those red and black open beak triangles swooping towards them. I didn’t warn them. This is the natural rhythm of the riverbank, and I thought that I must keep time with it if I were ever to hear the river. I tried my best to tune out the burble of the fauna and the grumble of traffic passing over the bridge. I would sit with my head tipped to one side, ears focussed on the meandering folds and brown swirls of the River Hull.

This river splits my city clean in two, dockers’ East to fishermen’s West. Sometimes I feel as though we are two cities, sharing a moat. Further towards the mouth of the River Hull, where this winding tongue of water kisses the River Humber, are my favourite sections. There’s the part with the solid dark cocoa smell. There’s the part with the permanently raised halves of a once-was-bridge, now mossed over and shackled to each bank. I waited upstream, where it was quieter, where I could sneak up close to the water.

The riverbank animals and birds were surprisingly nonchalant about me, a human with whom they could converse. I tried to copy their indifference, but I could never control that twisting in my stomach when one would tell me, ‘hello again’.

I sought their advice on how to speak with the river. But their general disinterest in my presence extended to this topic. If they could shrug, they would have. I could never jump to my feet and, demanding answers, exclaim, ‘This is a conspiracy of silence!’ Any confrontational tone in my voice or posture caused even my most talkative contacts to scatter.

I varied my approach now and then. With my notepad and pencil stuck in my back pocket, I would pace up and down the bank flinging questions over my shoulder as though answering were not optional. Another tack that I trialled was to crouch in a self-made hide. Putting a finger to my lips to ask for complicity from my winged or furry comrades, I would pretend that I was not there. I thought that perhaps the river kept quiet when I was around.

The entire idea was absurd. It didn’t work. My belief that the river had a voice began to waver.

And then on Saturday the twenty-seventh of July (according to my notes), I heard a definite sigh. I knew that it must be the river: the sound curved through the air in the same implacable undulations with which its originator cut through my city. I pulled out my pencil, found an empty page in my notebook, checked the time on my ‘phone and wrote with a shaking hand, 11.37. The river expresses an audible heavy sigh.

I had learnt to hear the river.

I cleared my throat. Nervous sweat prickled under my arms and across my hairline. I ran through my pre-prepared questions in my head. My questions were stupid; I discarded them all. With a dry tacky tongue I barely remember asking, “What can you tell me?”

Author: Peter Church, http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/16649